Deliver Me
by ChelseaxQ
Summary: Dean isn't the same since the almost apocalypse and since losing Sam. Cas knows this, but he doesn't know what to do about it. All he can do is let Dean take what he wants, like he always has, sift through the lies that come pouring out of him and hope that in him remains something of the man he used to be.


I own nothing, just trying to have some fun.

Thanks for reading.

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Dean lies when he's drunk, which seems to be happening more and more frequently now. He stumbles in and out of the cabins, fighting or fucking whatever happens to be inside. On more than one occasion he's let himself into Castiel's cabin, late at night when he lay in a drug induced torpor. Sometimes he'd come in, sit on the edge of Cas' bed, whether he was asleep or not, telling him he's sorry for everything, sorry that he fell, sorry that he's no longer the man worthy of Cas' sacrifice. Sometimes he'll lie next to Cas, press his tear stained face into his neck, tell him he loves him and fall asleep, smelling of whiskey and desperation.

Other nights are different, other nights the drink makes Dean volatile. He'll all but kick the door in, screaming at Cas, telling him it's his fault, Sam, the apocalypse, it's all his fault. He'll kick off his boots and climb into Cas' bed, whether he's wanted or not. He's rough and brutal and Cas takes it, every bite, every slap, every harsh word, it's what he deserves. If Cas is honest with him he lives for he nights when Dean finds his way into his cabin, no matter what mood he might be in, his devotion has proven to be a hard habit to break.

He loves Dean, he always has and at one point he thought that Dean had felt the same way, but that was before. They never had the time to be together before everything fell apart and that's the thing that Cas regrets the most, all of those missed opportunities. It's too late for that now, they're different people. Dean is broken, a shell of what he used to be, filled with a deep burning rage that sex and booze do nothing to quench. He lashes out in his anger, not caring who is on the receiving end, not caring that the one he hurts the most is the one person he has left in the black pit that the world has become. He feels sick with guilt and self-hate when he hurts Cas, but he doesn't stop, he wants to hurt, it's what he deserves. Cas is empty and lost, filling the void in his life with drugs and women, the void that had opened up and threatened to swallow him when he'd lost his wings. Dean had been there, not yet the man he would be, he had held him and told him that it would be alright, had promised. Dean doesn't just lie when he's drunk.

Cas can't sleep, despite the number of pills he's taken. Every time he thinks just one more, one more will do it. He wonders if one night, it might be one too many and maybe he won't wake up, but he's never been that lucky. He knows he'll die, probably soon and he also knows it won't be quick or painless. A part of him fears that it will be at Dean's hands, one night when Dean has had too much to drink and takes things too far. A sick, twisted part of him wishes it were so, at least Dean would be the last thing he saw, at least then, it would be over.

Cas rolls over sighing heavily and he hears footsteps outside his cabin. They're unsteady and approaching his door. Cas knows that Dean's drunk and has been anticipating his arrival. He thought if he knocked himself out, like he has so many times, then maybe Dean would see that he was sleeping and go away, he never does. Cas tenses as the door swings open slowly, the stench of whiskey seeping into the room. Several minutes pass before the footsteps start again, moving closer to the bed where Cas feigns sleep. A hand softly runs down his back, in a seemingly loving caress.

"Cas, you awake?" Dean asks softly.

Cas rolls over and looks up at Dean. "Hello Dean." he replies warily. He knows he can't fake sleep around Dean, he always knows.

"Hey." Dean says and Cas can hear the vulnerability lying just below the surface. Dean gently cups Cas' face. "I missed you today."

"Did you?" asks Cas, still unsure, aware of just how quickly Dean's moods can change.

"Yeah, I always miss you." Dean replies before he leans down and presses a kiss to Cas' lips. Cas finally relaxes, thinking that it might be a good night and kisses Dean back.

Dean slips beneath the sheets and presses his body against Cas, holding him tight as he kisses him. He slips his hands under Cas' shirt and runs his fingers along Cas' abdomen, making him shudder. A moment later he's pulling the shirt over Cas' head and tossing it across the room, his own follows shortly thereafter. Dean tugs Cas' boxers down and runs his hands up his thighs, trailing his fingers lightly over Cas' half hard cock.

Dean wriggles out of his jeans and reaches into the drawer next to Cas' bed for the tube of lube he keeps there for nights like these. He slicks up one finger and gently presses it to Cas' hole. Cas gasps and the ring of muscles flutter under Dean's touch. Dean pushes the finger inside Cas, eliciting a hoarse groan from him. Dean pumps the finger in and out of Cas slowly, gently, while laying soft kisses all over Cas' stomach and thighs. He slips another finger into Cas and scissors them, making Cas moan loudly into the darkened room. Dean fingers him open until Cas is shaking and moaning Dean's name brokenly over and over.

"Please." he begs. "Please, Dean."

"Shhhh." Dean whispers, moving up to kiss Cas. "It's alright Cas, I've got you."

Dean slicks up his cock and moves between Cas' thighs, he kisses him deeply as he slowly sinks into him, inch by inch. Once he's fully sheathed in Cas' body he stops and they lay there for a moment panting before Dean gently rocks back and forth. Cas gasps at every small thrust and moves with him, urging him on. Dean deepens his thrusts, angling his hips and fucking into Cas. Dean catches Cas' lips in a wet kiss, swallowing Cas' moans.

Dean's thrusts quicken and he groans into the crook of Cas' neck. Cas wraps his arms around Dean's neck and tries to memorize how he feels. Dean moving with him, not harsh or angry but full of tenderness, kissing him and touching him so gently, like he never has before. Cas doesn't want it to end, he wants to hold Dean close and never let him go, he wants to see Dean smile again, wants to make him happy in ways he knows he can't.

Dean reaches between them and takes Cas' cock in his hand, stroking him as his thrusting becomes quick and erratic. A moment later Dean's hips stutter as he comes hard, filling Cas. Cas follows close behind, come shooting all over his and Dean's stomachs; Dean strokes him through his orgasm, till they're both spent.

Dean pulls out of Cas and collapses on the bed next to him, face buried in Cas' neck. It's a moment later that Cas realizes that Dean is crying silently into his shoulder, shaking and weeping bitterly.

"I hate you." he says through his tears. "I hate you." he says over and over again, like a prayer. Dean lies when he's drunk.


End file.
